I am writing this after a 'successful' PhD and a postdoc - am I a misfit for this whole academic research thing ??!! No wait, what makes me a successful PhD or a postdoc ? - publications ? talks at conferences ? compliments from supervisors ? appreciation from co-workers?
Well, lets see...
Publications - check
talks - check
compliments / appreciation /awards - check ...
Then what is my problem ? - I have anaylsed this many times as much as my own research problems and I have come to one conclusion - i think i am deeply uncomfortable with success (in all modesty, seriously). Even as I type this, I cringe to even associate myself with success. However, it is reassuring that I am not the only one feeling this way.
I have come across many people like myself who feel this way from time to time and still few others who always feel this way. The striking similarity is that most of them are researchers in academia. This makes me feel that many people in academics - junior researchers to professors, are deeply uncomfortable with success. I mean, what does 'success' mean to these people??
They set targets, toil hard, juggling heavy work-loads and intellectual efforts and finally reach their goal only to realize that now they have to race after newer targets because nobody talks about the old one anymore. So in reality, they are running after a target which doesnt really count as success in their mind and they run after another and so on until they finally decide that academics is no more for them. This is largely why most of us feel that grad school was such a waste of time unless we achieve a full professorship somewhere we consider prestigeous. This is also why most people feel that doing a PhD is a way of deferring finding 'real' jobs. It is actually not ! This is the very nature of the job itself. In academia there is no fixed goal be it personal or in research. For example, a tenure track job like being a postdoc / assistant professor / a promotion to a full professor, are by themselves moving targets and only markers of academic success. Anyone with less patience or slowly getting burnout would easily slip into the so called 'imposter syndrome' and would look for means to desperately get out. This is not necessarily because they dont like academia but because they start to believe that they are rather fit for something else and go in search of 'greener' pastures.
Well, what made me reflect on this today is the conversation that I had with my Prof. I told him I wanted to get out of academia and look for other opportunities. He scorned at me and said ' Well, why do you want to leave academia, you have all the qualities to stay in academia and become a Professor. Don't let your PhD go waste and if you realize you have made a mistake, come back before it is too late.'
Oh well ! This is how people get sucked back into academics ... and so the story of the round peg in a square hole continues ...
Well, lets see...
Publications - check
talks - check
compliments / appreciation /awards - check ...
Then what is my problem ? - I have anaylsed this many times as much as my own research problems and I have come to one conclusion - i think i am deeply uncomfortable with success (in all modesty, seriously). Even as I type this, I cringe to even associate myself with success. However, it is reassuring that I am not the only one feeling this way.
I have come across many people like myself who feel this way from time to time and still few others who always feel this way. The striking similarity is that most of them are researchers in academia. This makes me feel that many people in academics - junior researchers to professors, are deeply uncomfortable with success. I mean, what does 'success' mean to these people??
They set targets, toil hard, juggling heavy work-loads and intellectual efforts and finally reach their goal only to realize that now they have to race after newer targets because nobody talks about the old one anymore. So in reality, they are running after a target which doesnt really count as success in their mind and they run after another and so on until they finally decide that academics is no more for them. This is largely why most of us feel that grad school was such a waste of time unless we achieve a full professorship somewhere we consider prestigeous. This is also why most people feel that doing a PhD is a way of deferring finding 'real' jobs. It is actually not ! This is the very nature of the job itself. In academia there is no fixed goal be it personal or in research. For example, a tenure track job like being a postdoc / assistant professor / a promotion to a full professor, are by themselves moving targets and only markers of academic success. Anyone with less patience or slowly getting burnout would easily slip into the so called 'imposter syndrome' and would look for means to desperately get out. This is not necessarily because they dont like academia but because they start to believe that they are rather fit for something else and go in search of 'greener' pastures.
Well, what made me reflect on this today is the conversation that I had with my Prof. I told him I wanted to get out of academia and look for other opportunities. He scorned at me and said ' Well, why do you want to leave academia, you have all the qualities to stay in academia and become a Professor. Don't let your PhD go waste and if you realize you have made a mistake, come back before it is too late.'
Oh well ! This is how people get sucked back into academics ... and so the story of the round peg in a square hole continues ...
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